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Humor In The Chocolate Bar...

niemand

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in The Chocolate Bar

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A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. 
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. 

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion , surrounded by 50 beautiful women. 
After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. 
 

Then, there's a knock at the door. 
He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead. 
As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies. 

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'i can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.. 
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. 
But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'

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After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on

the curb.

 

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

 

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

 

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never

gone to work that morning.

 

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the

airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.

 

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on

the radio.

 

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief.

 

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

 

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

 

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: ' A senator?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

 

Cop: 'Bigger.'

 

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

 

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

 

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

 

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
 
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Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

 

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

 

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"

 

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?

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A guy texts his neighbour:
I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess:
I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you.
I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home.
I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again. 

The man, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Minutes later the guy gets a second text: I really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"... Sorry!

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